Be More Than Your Infertility

This is my last post for Infertility Awareness this year – though, as with infertility itself, they probably won’t completely go away.

And that’s my point: infertility doesn’t ever go away completely.

You may conceive with help or naturally. You may adopt. You may remain childless. But underneath all of that will remain the scars of infertility. They’ll fade with time, as scars do. And sometimes, out of the blue, they’ll flare up with soul-searing pain worse than the days you spent in doctor’s offices. And it’ll be tempting to pick at them. To embrace them. To slap a stamp across your heart that says in bold read block letters: INFERTILE

But that isn’t you. It isn’t any of us who share these scars. It’s part of us, certainly, but you are MORE.

If you’re just reaching the end of your active journey, it may be hard to figure out what that more looks like. Even if it’s been years, the more may feel out of reach. But don’t give up looking for it. Don’t ever give up and decide to be content with that red rubber stamp of inadequacy that infertility tries to mark you with.

Be more.

I can hear some of you whispering behind your hands, “Oh sure, be more. How, precisely, am I supposed to do that?”

I don’t have a magic formula. I don’t have a guarantee. But I have some suggestions of steps to try:

1. Pray. If you’re not walking through life with Jesus as your Savior, that’s step 1 right there. Without Him, everything else is meaningless and empty. You can find out more about that here. If you are a Christian, step 1 remains the same – pray. And then spend time listening for God’s answer. (And remember that prayer isn’t a guarantee of anything other than Christ’s presence by your side – Christianity isn’t a slot machine where good behavior + prayer = reward.)
2. Remember what you used to enjoy before you got on the infertility merry-go-round. What did you stop doing because you were too tired/bloated/depressed/etc? Choose something and start it again. Or find something new and try that. I took some pottery classes – it was something I’d always wanted to try and while I’m never going to take the pottery world by storm, doing something new and creative was very healing for me.
3. Let yourself grieve. And keep in mind that grief is one of those things that cycles – so when the grief comes back, worth through it again. And again. And again. As many times as you need to. Each time should get easier (if it doesn’t, consider talking to a professional counselor. It’s nothing to be ashamed of if you need help processing your emotions.)
4. Repeat as necessary.

If you’re looking for books to help you remember you’re not alone, I’d love to suggest a few of mine: Faith Departed, Hope Deferred, and Love Defined are a fictional trilogy (drawing on my experiences as well as some friends) exploring the ins and outs of infertility and its effects. A Walk in the Valley is a multi-author devotional designed to help you explore and reflect on your journey using Scripture and prayer.