Happily Ever After, Part 2

In romance novels, things typically end with the engagement. And usually you don’t get a peek into the many conversations that need to take place before two people really get married. Hopefully in real life couples will seek pre-marital counseling. But when I look back on the pre-marriage class my husband and I went to …it was laughable. It didn’t cover anything that we hadn’t already talked about at least briefly – nor did it prepare us for any real hardship down the road.

Just about any book you read about marriage will tell you the number one thing couples argue about is money. So many couples go into married life without a frank conversation about finances. Not just budgeting – though that’s definitely something couples need to discuss before they marry, but also general financial philosophies. If she’s a saver and he’s a spender, they’re going to have continual problems, no matter what budget they agree to, because their basic thoughts on money won’t align.

These are the financial things I think couples need to come to an understanding about before they marry (and possibly before they get engaged):

• Monthly expenses – both people need to know what the other earns, if that’s going to change once they’re married, what outstanding debt exists and how their overall financial picture looks when salaries and debts are combined. It’s one thing to live within your income as a single person, once you’re married it gets more challenging.
• Will you combine your resources? I’m a big believer in joint accounts. I don’t think there’s a place for “mine” and “yours” when it comes to money and marriage. Some people make it work – but most of the time I’ve seen it only cause problems because it provides a veil of secrecy. Either way, both people need to be on the same page.
• Feelings on debt. Are you okay with debt or do you have a huge problem with it? I’m a big proponent of living within your means and only spending what you earn. I understand that sometimes things happen and you end up with debt – but that should never happen without both people’s agreement once you’re engaged. And if you do take on debt, you need to have a well thought out exit strategy for that debt. Above all, though, you have to be open with one another from the very start.
• Budget – this goes hand in hand with understanding your monthly expenses (and your debt load) – but you need to sit down together and work out a weekly budget. (I like a weekly budget – some prefer monthly. We typically lay ours out monthly and then I split it out to a weekly budget for tracking.) How will you track your budget? Find a system that works for both of you and then stick to it.

With all of these, though, the key is open, honest communication. Don’t be afraid to hash through your differences until you come up with a solution you can both live with. Keep talking about it until you get there.