More of Hope Deferred, Chapter One

June’s head fell back against the top of her desk chair. Why couldn’t insurance companies just write in plain English? Her pulse throbbed in her temples and words continued to swim in front of her eyes, despite the fact that she was no longer looking at her computer screen. Her eyelids drifted shut. At least…at least what? Her mind went blank. Surely there were blessings to count somewhere?

“There she is, my beautiful bride.” Toby’s lips brushed across her forehead.

“Hi, sweetie. How was your day?” June flicked her eyes to the computer screen—it had gone blank. Thank goodness for screen savers. The conversation about medical treatment to start a family could wait for a little while. At least until she got her thoughts together.

“Eh.” He shrugged. “You know how it is. How was your day off?”

Or maybe it couldn’t wait. “Fine…I had a consultation with Dr. Strong.”

Toby ran a hand through his hair. “Oh?”

“Yeah. I should have mentioned it—meant to, in fact—I just never figured out how. Then I thought it’d just be easier to tell you once I knew what she had to say. I’m sorry.”

He sank into his chair and leaned forward, elbows on his knees. “Okay. I guess. So what did she say?”

June sighed. It was better to rip the band-aid off, right? “She can’t do anything else for us. It’s time to see a specialist if we’re going to keep trying.”

Toby nodded but said nothing.

June watched him. What was he thinking? The wheels were spinning behind his eyes, but his expression stayed blank. “We don’t have to talk about it now. Or even do anything about it right away.”

“How are you doing?”

June drew her eyebrows together. He wasn’t mad that she’d forgotten to mention the appointment? Or that they were going to have to pay for this out of pocket? “Um…okay, I guess. Disappointed. But I’m honestly starting to get used to that. This last year has left a layer of discouragement over most of my life that’s thicker than the dust on the bookshelves.”

The corner of Toby’s mouth quirked up. “Is that a hint that I need to dust more?”

“You know what I mean.”

“So, just disappointed?”

What was he getting at? “Not just, no. But I haven’t sorted through everything yet—processed it, I guess. I…honestly, I was more worried that you were going to be angry.”

He rolled his chair closer to hers and took her hand. “I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing for you to be sorry about. As far as we know, all our problems are my fault. If anyone needs to be sorry, it’s me. I know you didn’t sign on for a broken wife.”

He squeezed her hand. “That’s not what I meant—and you’re not broken. But we’ll come back to that.” He cleared his throat and waited until their eyes met. “I’m sorry that I’ve made you feel like you can’t—or shouldn’t—talk to me about this. I don’t want you to only worry that I’m going to be angry when you’re hurting.”

“Oh.” June offered a slight smile. “Thanks.”

“I love you. Kids or no kids. When I asked you to marry me, I signed on to be your husband and spend the rest of my life with you. Anything else is gravy.” He stood and kissed her forehead. “Why don’t I see what I can scrounge for dinner? Then afterward, we can tackle the nightmare of the insurance website and see what we can figure out.”

June’s mouth dropped open as he left the room. He was taking this so well…had her impressions from the last four months been that far off? After their first failed cycle on Clomid in April, he’d been so insistent that they wait until June to try again. Then when that cycle failed, he’d pushed for another break before a third try. She’d assumed he was going to want an even longer break now that he was going to have to be more actively involved in the process. Maybe he didn’t understand how much more he was going to have to do? Even if he didn’t, she was going to savor having him back on her side for as long as it lasted.