Why Do I Write?

I’ll admit, I’m not one of those people with a naturally sunny disposition. It’s not that I walk around growling and kicking small puppies all day, but I definitely tend toward the melancholy. Couple that with being an introvert and you have the recipe for someone who doesn’t have scads of friends banging down her door day after day. But I’ve always wished I had that personality that attracted people.

I tried, for a while, to fake it. Paste on the smile, be loud and gregarious, always be doing great with a perky grin and wide eyes to go with it. But it’s exhausting. I can’t be like that for long before I implode. And also get a little sick of myself. It’s just not who I am. I think of the scene in French Kiss (great movie, if you’ve not seen it) when Meg Ryan’s character says, “Happy? Smile. Sad. Frown. Use the corresponding face for the corresponding emotion!” That’s totally me. You know how I feel from a glance.

What does any of that have to do with why I write? Well, all of the above also appears to mean that I take feedback (or lack thereof) personally. I know, I know, writers have to have thick skins. And I’m getting better at dealing with folks who read my books and don’t care for them – after all, I read plenty of books that don’t float my boat. Art is subjective. But it’s the lack of response, the silence, that’s weighing on me and making me wonder what, precisely, is the point.

So I asked my husband  what I was doing. Why I was wasting my time. And he said, “Do you enjoy it?” Well, yes. I love it. It’s the second best job I’ve ever had (first best being a mom to two wonderful, if occasionally trying, little boys.) His response to that, “Then it’s not a waste of time.” Sometimes I love how clearly he sees things (other times it’s really annoying. But in this instance, it’s just what I needed.) Because in the pages and pages of Facebook posts from friends and other authors who are basking in incredible success and sending e-kisses to their BFFs and having little love fests with one another out there in public, I got caught up in feeling left out and lost my focus.

I don’t write to get any of that. If that was my goal, not only would it be completely misguided, but I wouldn’t be writing the books that I do. And I wouldn’t have wrestled with seeking publication for so long because, from the very beginning, I didn’t want to sell out. I didn’t want to write books that would be popular but not what I feel called to write. (Note: people writing popular books are not selling out! If those are the stories they’re being given, that’s fantastic. It’s only when you write a story other than what God’s calling you to write that you need to step back and evaluate.)

My books, and the people in them, are a lot like me. They’re not the adorable cheerleader who everyone loves. They’re probably never going to be. But if you take the time to get to know them, they have a lot to offer. It might not always be comfortable. It might not always be cheerful. But I hope that it will always be time well spent.

Maybe this isn’t the kind of blog post an author is supposed to create. I suspect our public personas are meant to be always chipper, with big smiles and a ready answer of “Oh, great!” whenever we’re asked how we are. But that’s just not me. And if the goal of my website is for you to get a chance to know me a little better, then, well…here you go. 🙂  (We’re probably not supposed to use smilie faces either. Look at me, breaking all the rules.)